1. You packed too much.
You need to look chic, yet beachy, yet comfortable. What if it rains? What if it’s cold? What if it’s hot? What if I eat too much and can’t fit into my new beach dress? Oh f-it! Pack it all!
2. You can’t hang-dry clothes worth sh*t.
You ran out of clean clothes and did a load of wash in the washing machine or sink. Where is the drier? Now what? I’ll just put everything on the towel rack – and 3 days later it is still wet. Huh?
3. You can’t do currency conversions worth sh*t.
The dollar went up against the Euro. And that means…huh?
4. You can’t drive stick shift worth sh*t.
But you are cocky enough to rent the car anyways and then drive it through a mountainous coastal terrain. An old lady has to help you park on a hill.
5. You can’t haggle worth sh*t
You go to the souk all pumped up to negotiate and not get swindled as the “rich-stupid-American.” $2500 and 5 minutes later you have a suitcase full of rugs and frankincense while the shop owner calls his broker to buy more stocks.
6. You don’t know how to pee in a hole and then use a sprayer.
Where is the toilet and toilet paper? I guess you just use this sprayer, and…now I am soaked. How do they do this without getting all wet?
7. You ate at McDonalds.
You just couldn’t handle anymore curry or rice or Irish food or whatever and gave in to the Golden Arches, which ironically you never eat back in the USA.
8. You just want a glass of normal ice water.
Nothing with bubbles or minerals, not room temperature. Something ice cold and simple. And free.
9. You “hacked” something to plan your trip.
Admit it – you went on Pinterest and “hacked” the hell out of your trip and have the thing more tightly planned than a military operation. Bonus points if you are a Mom that made her own busy bags, quiet books, sensory bags, or flash cards.
10. You are concerned with safety regulations.
Nobody else seems astounded by the lack of railings by the cliff or truck beds piled 2 stories high. Don’t these people know how to sue?
11. You are amazed by stray dogs.
And are terrified a pack of them will chase you down. You also start a GoFundMe campaign to adopt them all.
12. You tell people you studied their language in high school.
“Oh I speak a little French – I studied it for four years and then forgot almost everything!” “Oh that’s cute. I’ve spoken 3 different languages every day since I was born. But thanks for trying.”
13. You wear board shorts and “tankini.”
European moms couldn’t give less of a f*^k if their mom bod isn’t swimsuit model level, and men are just used to displaying their franks and beans with no hesitation.
14. You go to dinner so early.
It’s 7pm and you are the only one in the restaurant and the chef is just arriving for his shift as they bring you a drink order.
15. You expect stores and restaurants to always be open.
What do you mean I can’t buy a box of diapers on a Sunday afternoon? Where did everybody go? What am I supposed to do now – swaddle the baby?
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